You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
