Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
