OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Operation Purity has been aborted
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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