Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
