Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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