Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
