I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I can't turn off my feet"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
