Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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