I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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