I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
