she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
