he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
