take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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