mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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