why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
