4 words: hood of his car
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
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