I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
