mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
whose ass print is on the piano?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
