So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
