I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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