A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
