When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I intend to get homeless drunk
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
