There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
A+ Viking dick
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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