break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
