I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
