i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
