sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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