Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
