Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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