i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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