I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Someone came in the potted fern
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
