Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
