my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My feet surprised me
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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