So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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