Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
