I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
