he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
