Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
