How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
