She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
