Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
