Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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