wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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