I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
