Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
