I never want to see another naked old woman again.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
