Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just googled if crying burns calories
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
