Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
