Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
