Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
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