So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
