I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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