Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
