I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
