you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
