i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
