My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
