my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
