I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
