guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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