Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
